Another in the series of Joan!
Joan came running out of her house as I was getting into my car. “Hi neighbor, I’m having a dinner party and I want you all to come! I am going to Japan to teach dance and I’ve rented my house. I want you to meet the new tenants.” Could this really be happening? Maybe this time she was really going? “They’re a really nice couple, you have to meet them!”
“Ok, I said, when is this party?” “Tonight, 6:00. I’ll see you then!”
I didn’t call Tom, I didn’t want to hear his ranting. He got home around 6pm and I’d just tell him then. I was headed to Joan’s with Katie and Max when Tom got home. “Where are you going?” he demanded. “Joan invited us to a dinner party, she said she’s moving to Japan and has rented her place. She wants us to meet the new tenants.”
“I don’t for a minute believe she’s going anywhere” he sputtered. He reluctantly agreed and we headed up the driveway to a once glorious home, now as faded as Joan’s old wedding dress. Nothing but weeds surrounded the place.
We reached the door which was open and there was a young couple standing outside on the small deck. We exchanged greetings.
“You must be the new tenants” I said.
“Yes, I’m David and this is Janet.” David was medium height, sandy colored hair, dressed conservatively in kakis and a blue striped shirt. His blue eyes were anxious. Janet looked more relaxed, blond shoulder-length hair, dressed nicely in white Capri’s and a pink summer sweater. Her smile was friendly.
“Where’s Joan?” asked Tom.
“I don’t know, there doesn’t seem to be anyone here, although the door was wide open when we arrived, just before you got here,” said Janet.
We all walked inside, Max gripping my hand, and Katie, Tom’s
The tiny kitchen was directly to the right, uninviting. There were no groceries on the counter and no signs of dinner preparation. Janet opened a drawer to find silverware in a dirty silverware container. I wandered into the house where the dining table had nothing on it at all. No chairs around the table, it looked unused. I walked back into the kitchen where Tom was asking David and Janet if they’d put a deposit on the rental.
“Yes, I gave her a check for $3000 yesterday” said David, looking a little sick.
“Stop payment on it as soon as you get home” said Tom. “She is not leaving.” He told them the stories of what we’d been through with her since we moved in. “There are no chairs around the dining table and the table is not set” I said. Everyone went to look at the empty table.
As if on cue, we heard loud cabaret music, the bedroom door burst open and out tap-danced Joan in a top hat and tails, white gloves and fishnet stockings. With her high heeled dancing shoes and a cane held in both hands, she swung it wildly side to side and then overhead. She had her hair done in curls which were escaping from the hat framing her chubby face. Eyebrows painted on in high arches, blue eyeshadow, black eyeliner and false eyelashes accentuated her bright, dancing eyes. She tapped across the room in front of her stunned audience, not believing what we were seeing.
This picture is not actually Joan but as close as I could find to her outfit!
“Hi everyone! Did you like my number?” Joan was grinning from ear to ear, clearly excited about her dramatic entrance and our stunned silence.
“Hi neighbor! Did you meet my new tenants? They don’t know that I’m not moving just yet; I’m going to live downstairs in the storage room for a while until I’m ready to go to Japan!”
David and Janet looked horrified and Tom and I exchanged glances.
“We met them Joan; I thought you were having a dinner party” Tom said.
“I am! I am!” she exclaimed as she ran to the kitchen. “Where’s my chicken? I know I had chicken!” She looked in the refrigerator, on the counter, on top of shelves and no chicken.
“It must be in the car!” she exclaimed. “Neighbor!” she said to me, “come help me look for my chicken in the car. It must be in there!”
Joan and I walked down to her old Honda Hatchback. I could see a pile of boxes through the dirty back window. Joan opened the front door, no chicken. She came back to the trunk to open it. I got another shock as her trunk was full of shoes, there were shoes everywhere. Open shoe boxes strewn all over.
Like the picture only in the trunk of her car!
“Do you like my new shoes neighbor? I got them all today at Macy’s and Nordstrom’s! I was there for hours! “Nice Joan” I said. The trunk did not hold any chicken.
“David’s deposit is in Joan’s car” I told Tom. “Her car is full of new shoes strewn all over the place.”
Meanwhile Joan rushed back into the house, looked behind the kitchen door for her chicken which wasn’t there. She saw 5 year old Max standing there. “You!” she said, “You took my chicken!” Max’s lip quivered and he burst into tears.
“That’s it!” yelled Tom “We’re out of here, you’re crazy!” We grabbed the kids and couldn’t get out of there fast enough. “You haven’t had any dinner! Joan yelled. “We don’t want any!” Tom yelled back. David and Janet followed us out and we never saw them again.
A few hours later there was a knock on our door. There stood Joan with a plate of chicken.
So if you think you have ever attended a bad dinner party, just remember, it could be worse! I would love to hear about your worst experience with a dinner party.